The Bitter Law Student

The NASCAR Conspiracy

I don't think I'm a typical NASCAR fan. Friends of mine (NASCAR skeptics) feel that the majority of people watch the races just to watch the drivers crash. The crashes make me cringe. I couldn't imagine being a wife or a girlfriend to one of the drivers. You have to sit calmly and watch as your loved one is thrown into a cement wall (or worse, thrown up in the air as their car goes airborne) at 190 mph. I don't think I could handle that week after week.

But I digress. As I was saying, a lot of people watch NASCAR for the drama that unfolds on and off the racetrack. Other people (mainly females) watch NASCAR for the hot hot hotties that drive the cars. I'm going to admit, I can be one of those girls from time to time (hence my new obsession with No. 8-- Dale Earnhardt, Jr.)

One could say that women are drawn to NASCAR because of the danger, or because of the fast cars, but in my mind there's one reason that NASCAR has witnessed a growth in their female fan base: The Drivers. I secretly think that there is a NASCAR conspiracy, similar to the conspiracy that we saw in the formula behind the success of the boy band. Notice that there aren't really any ugly guys in NASCAR. They're all good looking, relatively young men that each fall into a certain typology. Observe:

The All-American: Jamie McMurray (#42)
You know the type I'm talking about. Blonde hair, blue eyes... kinda resembles a Ken doll. He's the type of guy that always seems to be the All-Star Quarterback and the Homecoming King. He's usually seen with a gorgeous girl by his side, most likely the head cheerleader or the prom queen. He's the one whose name you used to doodle in bubbly letters all over your notebooks. He's the type of guy that I constantly drooled over in high school, but never actually dated.


The Puppy: Kasey Kahne (#9)
Kathryn on defines the Puppy as "a younger man that you know can never become a serious relationship, but he's just so much fun to play with! The Puppy is good for late-night get-togethers, drunk texting, and keeping the cobwebs from growing. You know what I mean." Little #9 fits that mold in every way. He's got that little innocent face, but you know that he's got a few tricks up his sleeve. Despite that, you still think that you could have A LOT of fun corrupting him.

The Goofy Older Brother: Michael Waltrip (#15)
Think Judge Reinhold's character from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Think Ross from Friends. He's the older brother of your best friend... the one that always makes you laugh and feel good about yourself. Yeah, he's kind of a geek, but you still think he's kinda hot. You're not sure why. Maybe it's because he's older and wiser. Maybe it's because he seems so sweet. There's just something innately lovable about him. (If the Judge Reinhold reference was lost on you, you need to go to the video store and rent a copy of Fast Times. Rightnow. CLASSIC 80's.)

The Teddy Bear: Ryan Newman (#12)
He's the guy that you just love to hug. You don't really have a romantic interest in him, but he's always there for you with a great big hug when you need one. He's usually pretty jolly and laughs about everything. Everyone seems to like him quite a bit and he's usually the life of the party. He probably harbors a crush on you, but won't make a move out of mutual respect for you and fear that you'll reject him. In any case, though, he makes a great friend and you're always glad to have him around.

The Hot Temper: Tony Stewart (#20)
He's the guy that you just know will end up in Anger Management class one day. (Note: Stewart did actually end up in Anger Management courses.) He's a sweetheart one minute, making self-depreciating jokes about his weight, his car, and his life in general. Set him off, however, and you'll understand the full meaning of "duck and cover." He's the guy that usually initiates the barfight, yet at the same time, you find the danger that surrounds him irresistible. He's the guy that will throw the first punch in your honor when a guy gets a little too frisky at the bar. In other words, he's the guy that you want in your corner when the shit goes down.

The Playboy: Jeff Gordon (#24)
The Playboy is hot. And he knows it. This is the boy that all the girls chase after, even though they KNOW that it's going to end in tears. He's the one that is, for the most part, completely and totally unattainable. And we know it. Yet we still chase after him. Why? Because we harbor the hope that we will be the girl that breaks the pattern. We'll be the one that he decides to settle down with. But it never happens. And we're left broken-hearted while he moves on to the next girl. (Even though I sound bitter, I want to make it clear that I've never dated a playboy... but I've helped mend a LOT of broken hearts at the hands of The Playboy... the gorgeous bastards that they are...)

And finally....

The Boy Next Door: Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (#8)
He's the boy that we've known our entire lives. He's the boy that you want to take home to Mom, because Mom already knows everything about him and loves him. He's clean-cut, polite, and wholesome. He loves to get together with his guy friends to watch football, talk cars, and have a good time, but he always remembers his best girl and treats her like a queen. The Boy Next Door is HOT, but he is completely oblivious to it, which only serves to make him that much hotter.

This is not a comprehensive list by any means. I'm aware that a bunch of you will have different ideas as to which "type" the men of NASCAR are. This is just how I see it. I think it's fairly accurate, given the limited amount of racing that I actually watch. (I've only really watched 4 or 5 races total... this is simply my perception of the driver's personalities.) I'm also aware that I've forgotten some important "types," like The Loner and The Brooding Hottie. I'm sure I'll add more to this list as time goes on.

Still have respect for me? I think I may have lost a little bit of respect for myself... NASCAR should NOT be taking up this much of my thought processes. I blame my mother for this new addiction. God. Damn. Her.

posted by The BLS @ 10/02/2005 09:00:00 PM